Finding self

Finding oneself is a lifelong self-love oriented journey which very few lucky souls get to experience.

Well, finding oneself is a beautiful and self-enriching experience and feeling that words would be very less to describe it.

I remember being a very awkward child. As a child, I have spent my time alone with books, paintings, and writing poetry. I used to paint sceneries with lots of effort and tried to get that one perfect sky for my paintings. There is something in skies, I just can’t grow out of. I picture the sky as my only one true friend who doesn’t leave me and looks after me without any judgments, as a protector who never leaves me, shielding me against everything.

It wasn’t that I had no friends or anyone who could understand me but it was rather that too many people or faces scared me to my core. I don’t know why I have been like this all my childhood and even teenage.

There was a time when I used to see people with a lot of potential to play, sing, dance or cook and there was I, who didn’t even know any of these things. I tried to get myself good in academics and tried to do well, at least so that rest is well covered.

But it’s a bit difficult not to try and find yourself when you are in a place like Rajghat Besant School. RBS is a branch of K schools, and the place has given me more than I thought.

I remember I was in fifth standard when I wrote my first Hindi poem about rain. I wrote it and then I drew and colored it. To my surprise, my teacher loved it and made sure it was on display in the assembly hall courtyard.

To be honest, I was quite embarrassed about it. I thought it was the worst thing ever done and now everyone will know. I walked to her one afternoon and shared my feelings. She said that it wasn’t to embarrass me but rather for the sake of my smile and confidence.

She talked to me and said some beautiful things to me. She said:

"It’s okay not to be good at everything, but the worst you would do to yourself is not accept that you could be good at something."

That line of hers till date motivates me to do better or get up after I have given up on everything.

Years passed by, and I got busier with academics and friends. Then in eleventh standard, I changed my school. I came to a place where people were too harsh and too self-obsessed to help any newcomer settle or even feel welcome. I struggled there for a while.

For the first time, I saw people hating on me and making all the negative assumptions just because I didn’t speak much. After a very long time, I again felt alone, but this time I didn’t feel lonely.

I was firm on my grounds and did everything that I was supposed to. I never neglected a single person who wanted or needed me, neither did I ever make comments or faces at anyone.

I think from there I regained this power of being on my own and living life the way I wanted to, even if that required being alone for some time.

Last year was a very difficult point in my life. I happened to lose five close family members, and I had severe health complications too.

I was very attached to my grandmother, and when I lost her, I didn’t know if there would be any way to bring her back to me. I was in a mess that couldn’t have been worse, but one day I got up and decided to continue writing.

I thought maybe this way I will keep her alive and she won’t ever be gone. I picked up writing poetry and short stories recently. Although I am not doing that great, I still keep up with it.

I think my self-finding journey goes a long way to be written down in a word limit, but whatever I have learned is a result of self-love.

If one can’t love themselves truly, then they won’t ever be able to get back to something they liked. I picked up all the things that I had left to do, and with each stroke of the brush I used to paint, flowers taught me to be patient with myself.

I am trying to know myself each day and give myself enough space to realize and reflect upon some things that are gone and everything that’s coming ahead of me.

I would like to conclude this never-ending prompt with a shayari I recently wrote:

"खो के अगर सबको हम खुद से मिलें, तो हमें यह गँवाना, गवारा लगता है।"