Settled And Unsettled

So, how would I begin with this prompt? Unsettled or settled?

To be honest, from all that I know of me, I know this for sure that I am not a very outgoing and friendly person but I can bet that I am a very easygoing and straightforward person one would ever meet.

I have been feeling a certain way for almost four to five years of my life. This certain way can be described as a constant feeling of troubled and jumbled thoughts, unexpressed words and feelings, thoughts constantly on my mind but totally thoughtless, nausea, frequent headaches in groups, urge to run away from everyone and what not?

It’s been a while since I’ve seen myself just calmly sitting or having a real one-on-one conversation. There are days I haven’t eaten anything or drank a single glass of water but I still feel so full and don’t wanna eat or even taste something I would have loved to gorge upon on a normal day and then there are days I wanna eat each and everything that is in front of me and just continue to eat until my entire body isn’t able to move an inch.

Most days, I am just trying to balance the two extreme sides of me, the one which doesn’t care about anything that is happening around me and the other which is constantly thinking about the surroundings and environment.

When I speak or say such things it might appear that these things are normal to our generation and maybe I am a bit of an overthinker. Yes, I am an overthinker and my life has been a mess inside my brain.

How do I explain to a person how I feel when I suddenly get a flashback where a very dear person I loved is no more, or I didn’t see it coming my way too soon but it crashed all the faith I had? And how do I tell someone that this fear drives to an extent where I am constantly worried or scared to lose the ones who are present in my life right now?

I can’t tell or explain this to anyone and the best way is I stay silent. I don’t speak much and whenever I do, I make sure I am not hurting anyone’s feelings because I know how a word or a simple statement said as a joke can stay in a person’s mind rent-free for years to come.

All of this brings me down to this one question: do I have someone in my life I can share all of this with, or do I have friends?

The answer is, Yes!! I have friends, and I have been very lucky to get all these people in my life who haven’t left me even since childhood and have been constantly trying to make our surroundings a little better so that I do not feel anxious.

But what happens when these people move to places?

Well, life starts because now onwards one has to carve their own identity from scratch in a new and different world.

Making friends or hanging around people wasn’t my cup of tea ever and whatever the friends I had made so far also live by the same ideology as mine. Like-mindedness in friendships is the very first step of being able to see yourself in someone and getting a bit comfortable day by day until you realize they are completely different from you and then you start to learn a lot from them. Along with this, one learns different aspects of life and views.

I learned to cherish the similarities between my friends and respect the differences.

Maybe I feel uncomfortable and unsettled because I chose to break the monotonous things and pushed myself to do and try something new and different.

Trying out something new is a challenging part when all you have known is a fixed routine with the same faces, but there are things worth exploring.

If I don’t explore, I will never find who I am.

For now, I think and feel very unstable, anxious, and sometimes unhappy too, but I know someday this will turn into something magical. Magic doesn’t have to happen the second I wish for it, but it will eventually happen because that’s the promise of the universe—magic only happens to those who believe in it.

I would like to conclude my essay on the note that, right now I might be struggling to get my way through a lot of things, but I believe I will get through it with ease and time.